Category Archives: Blogs

Let’s break the stigma.

It’s taken me a while to finally sit down and write this blog post. However, I decided that instead of trying to write the perfect post, I would just let the words flow from the heart.

Without going in to personal details, I can safely say that this month has been one of the hardest months I’ve ever had. I have taken a step back and have been doing a lot of self-reflection. I feel as though I have finally admitted to myself that something has to be done, in regards to my self-esteem and issues with anxiety. I have tried to put a band-aid on it for too long now and I have to take responsibility and do something about it. That’s not to say that I haven’t made progress with my mental health over the years. I certainly have, but I must admit that more can be done to improve my well-being, relationships and my life. This is sentiment is true for most people.

Sometimes we ignore ourselves because we don’t think we’re worthy of our own time. We push our feelings away like they are an annoying sibling. We act like a school-yard bully towards ourselves, taunting our minds with negative self talk and untrue statements.

Why do we keep telling ourselves that we aren’t good enough?

I’ve come to realise the importance of self-love and self-compassion.

Investing time in yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Treating yourself with respect and care is so eye-opening, because we often forget to do it! We’ve been conditioned to think that praising oneself in anyway, is vanity or cockiness. Sadly, in Ireland this is especially true.

It is no secret that Ireland has massive problem with mental health. As a country, we have stigmatized mental health so much so, that many people fear coming forward about their struggles, out of embarrassment. Living in a small, rural town in Ireland, I can confirm that in my own local area alone, there have been a astonishing amount of suicides in recent years. A lot of it has to do with shame. Shame for feeling depressed, anxious and fearful to talk a about it because of the stigma. It’s harrowing to think of all the lives that potentially could have been saved, if only those people had someone to talk to or tools to help them through their mental turmoil.

I have been to my local GP twice in order to seek help for my anxiety and each time I was turned away, with no support. One of the doctors told me to simple “get over it”. The other, told me I should eat more meat and vegetables. A simplistic cure for an complex, cognitive behaviour. If only it were that easy.

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That is why I have decided to dedicate this blog to my mental health journey and the road to self-discovery. To contribute to breaking the stigma in Ireland, that is attached to mental health. I want to speak openly about my struggles with my issues with anxiety and mentally self-harming ways of thinking.

It is time to take the jacket off the book, to get to the true story within.

I want to finally be open with myself and others, about mental health and finding tools that work for me, so that I can share them with you all and hopefully help some people in the process too. I also want to help my loved ones understand why I feel this way and that it’s not just me being “stupid” or “over dramatic”. Mentally, it’s a hard place to be in and I don’t want to feel this way, just as much as they don’t want to see me this way.

I hope you will join me on this journey, share tips and advice and move towards a happier self. I am full of ideas for blog topics and I must admit, it is nice to feel inspired again. I’m sure it won’t be easy and I know this is cliché, but if I can help at least one person by sharing my thoughts, it will be worth it.

xoxo

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Getting my mojo back!

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month, so I’ve decide today that I will be open about some of my struggles recently. I’ve been finding it incredibly hard to find any kind of motivation, even in regards to the things I am passionate about. I have been making YouTube videos for over eight years now, and while it has been such a wonderful experience for me, it’s also been a constant struggle. A struggle to stay motivated and to stay true to myself.

I’ve come to terms with the fact I will never be a “big” YouTuber but the lack of change or channel growth can sometimes be incredibly disheartening. I’ve realised that I need to stop trying to fit in on YouTube, and online in general, for that matter. I need to start allowing myself to have fun again and stop desperately trying to fit the mold. It never works and it is never fun.

I have always felt like I need to be one thing, have one genre of content and focus solely on that. Although to me, that is just so boring. I get that it is great for continuity but, it’s just not me. I get bored easily and I like to express myself in different ways. So why hold back on that?

Life is too damn short to limit myself. 

Which is why I am no longer uploading videos on a tight schedule, I am uploading content, only when I feel inspired to share something with the world and when I have something to say. I have been having impromptu cosplay photo shoots (see photo above), recording videos when a light bulb of inspiration goes off in my mind, and in general, having fun being creative again.

Taking the pressure off myself to “keep up with the Joneses” is really sparking a new found passion within me. There is nothing more stifling than creating something, for the sake of it.

It’s time to get back to basics and just have fun.

Because its obvious when someone is passionate about something. That in itself, is inspiring.

Humiliated on Pearse Street.

I’ve had a really good week. I went to some interesting live shows, spent time with loved ones, viewed some beautiful modern art, had dinner with a good friend and generally, felt rather happy. That is, until I let the words of a stranger affect me. It’s funny, isn’t it? How we let people get to us.

The sun was shining, it was sixteen degree’s in Dublin city and I had just ate a lovely breakfast at The Woolen Mill. A friend and I were walking down Pearse street, minding our own business, when three guys approached us. One of the guys stepped forward in front of us, he looked quite intimidating and to be honest, he looked rough. He pointed a finger at my friend and exclaimed “You, yeah. I would”, and then he pointed towards me, “You, not so much”. His act of comic genius sent his friends into a uproar of laughter, relishing in the sheer confidence their friend had, to walk up to two girls on the street, and rate them like cattle.

It all happened within seconds, but it was astonishing how slow time felt when it was occurring. Once the group of guys walked past us, both my friend and I stood there in shock. Not sure what to say to one another. Why would some one do that? What’s the payoff?

To be quite honest, I was hurt and humiliated by the experience.

We kept walking towards our destination in Temple Bar, and more the I thought about the situation, the more angry I felt. Why did I care? Why did it bother me? I was annoyed at myself for being annoyed by it! To be frank, I wouldn’t have sex with that guy if he was the last guy on earth and the human race depended on it. I didn’t think he was remotely attractive. So, why did I care that he thought I wasn’t attractive either? It really irked me.

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It pains me to admit this, but I cried out of pure frustration. Why didn’t I snipe back with a witty comeback to humiliate his intelligence, or lack there of. Also, I kept thinking, how many other girls had he done this to today? Or, ever? He had humiliated my friend and I. Were there other girls who were walking the streets of Dublin, eyes welling up with tears over the words of a stranger? It upset me to ponder that thought.

My self esteem has never been fantastic and this sure didn’t helped.

Thankfully, through out the day, I was able to move on with my life and not worry so much about what this random person thought of my appearance. I thought about my own self worth, and how it is not defined by the opinions of others. All that really matters, is what I think about myself. At the end of the day, I feel sorry for that guy, because he clearly doesn’t exert the qualities most people find attractive. And, while I may be no oil painting, I am a good person, who doesn’t gain joy from humiliating other people in public.

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After the entire ordeal, my friend Elaine, spoke to me about her experiences with similar situations and we chatted about a project she produced for college, that was based on the topic of harassment. We both came to the conclusion that it is important to call out this type of behavior. I thought about all the men in my life and how they would never do something like that to two women, walking down the street. And, if anyone I knew ever did such a thing, I would tell them they were being complete assholes. It’s usually pack-mentality that gives people the gall to do something like this, they get high off the thrill of doing something extreme in front of their friends, in order to impress them.

Newsflash! No one thinks you’re cool. 

It’s not a badge of honor to humiliate someone successfully. In fact, it makes you look like a terrible person. I truly do not understand why anyone would want to do something like that to another human being. The guy who did that to my friend and I, has probably long forgotten about this occurrence, while it still lingers in my mind days later. Which is the reason I am writing this blog post, to express how I feel about the entire scenario, in order to let it go fully. If one person reads this and decides against doing something like this in the future because of it, or decides to call out a friend for doing something similar, then it’s worth it for me to post this.

 

Confessions in cosplay..